This is the story of how I prove to the court of Public Opinion that Spirituality is Real and God exists.
For 36 years, I have been a professional know it all. I love being right. I also hate to be disagreed with, so I’m working on that one.
My entire life I have wanted to believe in the spiritual nature of the world because I could feel the magic and the war of it swirling all around me. The problem, as we all know, is that you couldn’t see it, so I couldn’t prove the truth of my experiences. All I had to show for them were these ridiculous stories that were 100% true. At the same time, I had this rational mind that always tried to make me think I was crazy. It was frustrating! This part of me did not want to be looked at like a magical thinking fool. My smarty pants ego just couldn’t handle that. I was way too cool for spiritual school, but dorky enough to admit that type of thing out loud.
This had always been an internal conflict that has been a major theme in my life and has also largely defined the traits of my character. I must have been born unusually self-aware because even as a little girl I was fairly precoctious and introspective, especially given the sense that I was acutely aware of my tendency to be gullible. I was never going to believe anything I was told at face value and I questioned my own thinking, like my mind was outside of itself.
If there is one phrase that could summarize my mentality it would be the following three words.
”What’s the catch?”
Someone, somewhere in some other world or some other lifetime must have lied to me at one time or another because truth was always of utmost importance to me and honesty was of the highest virtue.
There have many times where I have felt like a defective human based on the fact that I cannot tell a lie. It’s physically impossible for me to be dishonest. I can’t do it. It hurts me more to breathe life into a lie than it does to accept the truth, however painful it may be.
That’s why if God was the absolute I needed to understand this truth and prove existence not for anybody else, but myself before I could speak truth.
It was like I wanted to believe with my whole heart, but I couldn’t dig my heels in and commit because I had no tangible argument as proof. Yet, something inside me just felt like my truth was to prove the absolute once and for all and unite all aspects of life that appeared to contradict one another at first. I’ve also felt like my big lesson in this life might be to let this grand idea go, like maybe I need to get over it and stop being so outspoken and stubborn.
But, stubborn is actually a word that describes someone’s power of will and my power of will is pretty strong, which is why I seem to manifest all these bizarre things into my world. Being outspoken just means I’m straight up. I don’t play games, I don’t mince words. I’m real and I’m honest. My will actually believes in me. This is why I used to picture myself eventually proving that science is going to prove spirituality exists by presenting an argument as a lawyer in the court of public opinion. This is also why I have probably spent the first third of my life gathering evidence and building my case.
Here’s how it’s starting to grow:
Stivaletta vs. Societal Ego
The narrative begins on page 49 of the April 1985 edition of Reader's Digest. My grandmother wrote for the magazine in the 70's and 80's and the last editorial that they ever published of hers was a story about my birth. It was called, "When Love Begins Again” and might have been prophetic.
It shares a story that is bittersweet in nature, as all stories are when life happens and the plans we make get interrupted and foiled. My parents were idealistic and working hard to come into their own. My mother was in her 3rd year of art school and my father had just won a competition as a stand up comedian on the way to his dream. They had star qualities but I didn’t care because I interrupted their plans and demanded the spotlight.
Their story as told by my grandmother is evidence for how the experience of an emotional rollercoaster is just a single beat in the heart of infinity. At least that's how it looks from my point of view. Stories hold the clues that solve the biggest mysteries of life. The eternal riddle of time coming as a season, grace coming as a sense of true knowing and love as a body of emotion that reproduces itself, infinitely.
This is life.
A heartbeat breathes life into the story. Life can’t exist without a mind to experience it. Our thoughts and emotions are the energy that map the rise and fall of the arc. They generate the waves. They ping the vibrations. They go up. They go down. They are liquid. They are gas.
What we think, how we feel and what we know results in what we do and drives the narrative of the universal plot. The body of the universe is this. Our thoughts are the liquid, our emotions are the gas and our knowledge is the solid. It’s science if you really think about it.
As a species, we are in a living story. We are all characters in the same book, placed at different moments and different aspects of time.
I remember when I was first learning about Kabbalah, I was as close to the truth as I'd ever been before and I knew it. While I was unraveling all the mysteries I explained that I thought we could match every person’s life story with that of a character in the Bible and I wanted to know which one I was.
If you think of life like a story, you have to realize the depth of comprehension that is really involved. You can’t hang out on the surface, your processing has got to go deep.
Some characters in the global narrative are the main ones, through out the whole book. Some have a supporting role. Some are the good guys, some are the bad guys. Some are the good guys who BECOME the bad guys and some the other way around. Some are waiting to figure out the role of their character. Some know what they want to be and are trying to play it out, while some have a purpose to drive the narrative just by trying to figure their role out. Some know who they are and already perfectly at peace, living in heaven and some are living in hell and just trying to climb out.
There’s a lot going on in the story of life and it’s important to always look for meaning.
Besides, it’s not every day you find out that you might be a psychic.
It’s not everyday you decide to take a stand against injustice.
It’s not every day you shed the image you carried with you before.
It's not every day that your birth gets published in the most circulated magazine in the country, especially one that presented itself as a guardian against American morality and values.
It’s not every day that you have an nervous breakdown and start preaching about how spirituality is what is actually going to heal our country.
It’s not every day you suddenly understand how the collective consciousness works.
It's also not every day that you realize a large population of American strangers quite possibly read intimate details about your life and your parents relationship.
It’s not every day that you might actually be the person you always thought you were.
It’s not every day that you get to embody your truth.
It’s not everyday that the puzzle pieces start fitting together.
Reader's Digest was a magazine meant to provide readers with all of the information they needed to know about what was important in the world. What America's role in the world should be and what they, as good citizens, should do to preserve the American way.
There's something about my story that's important. There's something that has to be told. What that truth is right now, nobody knows, but I do have some questions to pose.
What happened to the moral authority magazine, why did it die? Why did the morals of our country die with it? Is it possible that Reader's Digest might be a collateral damage of the Soviet Union collapsing and America no longer having an enemy to confirm the status of our national goodness? Maybe the moral compass of American society stopped working when it lost an oppositional force required to guide it. Maybe the 60's counter-culture preaching one love really infected our nation with Narcissism.
Maybe the rebellion of the anti-establishment culture is the real opposing force we need to look at to validate our national image once again. Maybe America is divided because it is in the middle of a major identity crisis because it hasn't had a mirror for awhile. Maybe America doesn’t want to look in the mirror because it can’t handle the truth. I don't know.
Who is Felicity really?
I created Felicity's Bliss as my version of heaven while I was a single mother and public school teacher living in San Diego, California in 2019 in a situation that felt a lot like hell. After first being diagnosed with and recovering from cervical cancer in 2015, I spent two years wrestling with the trauma inflicted by a cancer diagnosis and struggled to regain my sense of self and femininity that was I lost when I could no longer bare anymore children. Shortly after, I discovered that the father of my children had been unfaithful throughout this time and he abandoned his children and I.
My perception of reality was completely off balance, so needless to say this was a very rough time. I didn't know what was real, who to trust, what was happening or if or all of it was my fault. I couldn't understand anything! All I knew was I needed to act. I needed to do, so I pulled myself together and I got a full time job as an elementary school teacher for the first time in 10 years and began supporting myself and children entirely on my own.
It was empowering and I found myself riding the adrenaline for quite a while. Eventually, I needed an outlet for myself to escape the daily stressors of single parenting. I was so wrapped up in being mom and teacher, I was starting to lose track of Caitlin. Besides, let's be real. I had some serious healing I still needed to do.
I created Felicity, as my alter-ego, named after my favorite word, to hang on to the tiny shred of self I had left.
She represented the best version of me. The woman I knew I was on the inside, that I wasn't reflecting on the outside. She was who I wanted to be and knew I could be, I just needed her to be there to show me how. She was my Authenticity and my superhero because she came just when I needed her.
She saved my life.
The character Felicity is a goddess, an alien, a spirit guide, an angel...whatever you want to call her. She is from another wrelm and has to pretend to be an ordinary human here on earth. She has supernatural intuitive powers and was sent to help lead women to the truth about the nature of their divinity so they can help bring heaven down from the clouds.
This is Felicity's Bliss.
She was born through an allegory about the ocean tricking me, stealing my favorite pair of sunglasses and then drowning me to get away with the crime. When I came back up from the bottom of the ocean, I was fed up with the injustice of it all, so I filed a complaint with the Universe about the ocean being a narcisisst. It was during this conversation that God revealed he had used the ocean to call my name, so that I could learn the truth once and for all. I realized that Caitlin had actually drowned in the ocean, but was born again as Felicity she had seen the light and fell in love with it. It was on that day that she became a secret agent and began working undercover for God.
Felicity represents the spiritual journey of a woman laboring through the process of discovering her authenticity, being born again into Christ and devoting her life to sharing the freedom that exists there within.
#defineheaven #lifeisatrustfall #felicitysbliss