Introducing Queen Dissentia; Felicity’s Opposition and Killer of Buzzes

 

The alter-ego to my alter-ego.  Dissentia, Felicity's Foe.

Have you ever come up with a really great idea, all on your own and then later discovered that either somebody else had already come up with, or came up with it later?


I have. 

Quite often while I was growing up I would get some quasi-brilliant idea, do nothing about it and then eventually come to find out that somebody else had already come up with the idea and I would realize it wasn’t my idea and I was not quite the unrealized genius, I had thought.  It was always quite a blow to the creative ego...because, don't we all like to think we're a genius?  

Who really WANTS to think, "Yeah, I'm just average..middle of the bell curve...kinda dumb and not special." 

As a kid, I certainly didn't and since I am not one to accept not being a genius lying down, I would find a way to justify my creativity by thinking, “you’re just as original and smart for coming up with the idea because you didn’t KNOW that the idea already existed, so just keep thinking up stuff and one of these days you might be the first one!”  

It was like I had my own little life coach standing up there in the corner of my mind, cheering me on about being a genius...

..or justifying my delusions.

Either way, it was always really nice to have a little cheerleader up there helping me up, squirting water in my mouth and trying to get me to believe in myself.

 But there was also this other little voice who would chime in from I don't know where.  She would just pop up all sketchy and unannounced without my even being aware that she was right there listening in and then say things like, “Keep lying to yourself Caitlin, your ideas are not original.  How do you KNOW if you didn't already hear about it somewhere and you just forgot?  Huh?  Did you ever think about that?  How do you know you actually came up with any ideas? You're not special.  Special people do things with their ideas.”

And I always thought, “First of all, ouch, second of all, I don’t know other voice, you make a good point but you said that kind of mean and I don’t know where you came from, so now I feel weird.”

But alas, as time went on and I began to get older, I started to notice that some of my good ideas actually hadn’t been brought to fruition by anyone else yet and wondered if they might actually be mine.  I never imagined I would get to have a good idea of  my very own and yet there I was, striking gold.   It was so hard to believe, that this is what I thought.

“How in the world has nobody else claimed this idea yet?  This is gold!  Something's not adding up here.  There's no way I found gold.  Everybody's been digging it up since the 1800s, there's nothing left."

It was like I had struck gold and I didn’t realize it was MY gold.  I would just leave it there and then walk up to strangers and tell them what I had found to see if they had lost it.

"Excuse me, can I tell you something crazy?  I just found this big piece of gold over there and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.  Is it yours?  I'm not sure I'm supposed to touch somebody elses gold or not, but I also don't want to leave it there because somebody else might just pick it up and steal it.  I don't want it to fall in the wrong hands, so I'm just trying to find the owner. Any idea whose gold this might be?"

Now, by gold I mean good idea and I don't know if any of these strangers thought that I was crazy or stupid but a couple of times we’d cross paths again and they’d start telling me about this gold they discovered and I'd be like, wait, what?  I thought I showed you that gold and you acted like it wasn't yours.  Wait, did you take it?  Did you take somebody else’s gold and claim it was yours?”  And then they would just walk off and ignore me.

I started to get suspicious of people stealing golden ideas after awhile, but I mean, come on!  Why would I trust that the gold I found was actually mine when I had that super uptight, realistic, controlling little dictator up there bossing me around?  It's like she was some evil thought bot insect pest or something who had been coded with the mission to "kill the buzz" and that's why she bugged me!  She's the one who kept telling my good ideas were somebody elses gold.

One time I didn’t listen to her though.  I was in a restaurant and I found 30 dollars under the table, so I kept it.  She got so mad about that,  that I think she infected me with cancer!  I can’t prove it or anything, but I know it was her because it stung.  After that, I figured any gold I found might have been hers for all I knew, so I didn't want to go messing with it.

It wasn't worth it. She's an effing beep. There's no winning.

 Actually, no, she's a fucking bitch, that's what she is.  I’m not going to swear anymore after this but there's really no other description that would be more accurate that that.  Besides, I don't feel like giving her any room to exercise her twisted little superiority mind games that she likes to play.  I'm just going to call her out because she’s straight up the type of voice who beeps out a swear and then points a finger at you because you THOUGHT IT!


That's how calculated and manipulative she is.  She provokes, projects and then deflects.  You know the type I'm talking about, right?  Professional gaslighters.  They're maddening.  They are crazy makers and they are are absolutely maddening.

I named this little voice Queen Dissentia because she is an argumentative prude with a vendetta against any woman who is fueled by the inner flames of happiness and desire. There's really no other way to explain her. 

I never did anything to her, she was just up there haunting me because I'm more fun and nice than her and she was jealous.  It's like, "sorry other voice, it's not my fault I'm funny, my dad made me funny.  So, take it up with him or go take your daddy issues somewhere else, ok?  I don't got time for this.  I've got all this gold I need to return to it's owners, ok?  Bye!"

She did not like being ignored, that's for sure, but I had finally figured her out.  I was just trying to figure out why she didn't like me.  It was a mystery of trying to understand what this voice was all about that accidently revealed the identity of Queen Dissentia as this little liar, which is how I discovered that the owner of the gold I found, was in fact mine!  It was like, ohh, she was the bad guy, not the truth.  Now I understand, I mined out my own gold, within myself!  Hooray, I figured it out!  I found the owner!

The gold I found was this idea that our minds worked like a Bee Hive and I was the queen.  I realized that she was an epic buzz kill trying to get in there on a tactical mission trying to take me out of my own mind!  She was this evil little bee sent to make me go crazy trying find the owner of this gold, knowing it was mine all along and I would be wandering around forever.  She was sent to get in there and Kill the Queen, so she take over my hive mind and collect all of my gold so she could rule my world.  I don't think so Bee!

The fact is, what I learned is we all have a Queen Dissentia in our minds meant to block us from our true self and do you know how she's stopped?

You don't kill her, because she'll send out a pherome that sends all her little cronies coming in there stinging the crap out of you.  No no, you gotta keep that Bee alive.

So, you treat her humanely.  You acknowledge her.  You recognize her power and then you forgive her, for all the lies she told you about yourself in the past.

It wasn't really her fault that she did this to you in the first place, she had an abusive father and she had some issues because of that.  You would too if you were the spawn of satan and who used his daughter as a pawn to faciliate his evil plan.  She's not purely evil, she has gold buried deep within, too. 

Everybody does.

She just wants a little love.  That Bee needs to heal, so let her have some power from time to time, like when you let a 5 year old beat you at basketball.  Just keep her in check so she doesn't sting you, until we can figure out how to break the attachment she has with her evil dad. 

 

It might take some strategic planning and coordination of the entire hive to execute a hostage situation quite as dangerous as this one...to be continued.