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Introducing Queen Dissentia; Felicity’s Opposition and Killer of Buzzes

By :Caitlin Stivaletta 0 comments
Introducing Queen Dissentia; Felicity’s Opposition and Killer of Buzzes

I like to think that I’m fairly original and clever.  Most of the time while I was growing up, I would get a bright idea all on my own and then down the line eventually come to find out that somebody else had already come up with it.  It was kind of frustrating for me, but I was also fine with it.  Everything about my life was a little bit frustrating.  It's not like I lost any sleep over it, it was I'm trying to say.  I mean, I barely sleep anyway, so if I lost any over it, it would be kind of hard to tell in the first place.  Besides, I was always able to justify my genuis by thinking, “you’re just as original because you didn’t KNOW that someone else thought it first, so just keep thinking up stuff.  One of these days you'll finally be the first one!”  

 

It was like I had my own little life coach standing up there in the corner of my mind, cheering me on...

..or justifying my delusions.  Whatever, it was hard to tell because I had this other little voice in there too that would chime in from....actually, I don’t even know where.  She just popped up in places all sketchy, before I even had a clue she was there or listening in and then she’d say things like, “yeah but how do you KNOW if you didn't already hear about it somewhere and you just forgot?  Huh?  Did you ever think about that?  Come on!  How do you know?  You're not special.  Everybody's special.”

And I was always like, “well, I don’t know other voice, but you’re kind of annoying and I don’t know where you came from, so now I feel weird.”

As time went on and I began to get older, I started to notice that some of my ideas actually hadn’t been masterminded yet.  It was always so hard to believe and do you know what I thought?

 

“How in the world has nobody else claimed this idea yet?  This is gold!  Something's not adding up here.  There's no way I found gold.  Everybody's been digging it up since the 1800s, there's nothing left."

It was like I had struck gold and I didn’t realize it was MY gold.  I would just leave it there and then walk up to strangers and tell them what I had found to see if they had lost it.

"Excuse me, can I tell you something crazy?  I just found this big piece of gold over there and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.  Is it yours?  I'm not sure I'm supposed to touch somebody elses gold or not, but I also don't want to leave it there because somebody else might just pick it up and steal it.  I don't want it to fall in the wrong hands, so I'm just trying to find the owner. Any idea whose gold this might be?"

Now, I don't know if any of these strangers thought that I was crazy or stupid.  It was always hard to tell, but a couple of times, they'd come across me again and start telling me about this gold they discovered and I'd be like, wait, what?  I thought I showed you that gold and you acted like it wasn't yours.  Wait, did you take it?"  And then they would just walk off.

I started to get suspicious of people after awhile, but I mean, come on!  Who was I to trust myself when I had that super uptight, realistic, controlling little dictator up there bossing me around?  It's like she was some evil thought bot, insect pest or something who had been coded with the mission to "kill the buzz" and that's why she was kind of scary!  She's the one who kept telling me it was somebody elses gold.

One time I didn’t listen to her though.  I was in a restaurant and I found 30 dollars under the table, so I kept it.  She got so mad about that,  that I think she infected me with cancer!  I can’t prove it or anything, but I know it was her because it stung.  After that, I figured any gold I found might have been hers for all I knew, so I didn't want to go messing with it.

It wasn't worth it. She's an effing beep. There's no winning.

 Actually, no, she's a fucking bitch, that's what she is.  I’m not going to swear anymore after this but there's really no other description that would be more accurate that that.  Besides, I don't feel like giving her any room to exercise her twisted little superiority mind games that she likes to play.  I'm just going to call her out because she’s straight up the type of voice who beeps out a swear and then points a finger at you because you THOUGHT IT!


That's how calculated and manipulative she is.  She provokes, projects and then deflects.  You know the type I'm talking about, right?  Professional gaslighters.  They're maddening.  They are crazy makers and they are are absolutely maddening.

I named this little voice Queen Dissentia because she is an argumentative prude with a vendetta against any woman who is fueled by the inner flames of happiness and desire. There's really no other way to explain her. 

I never did anything to her, she was just up there haunting me because I'm more fun and nice than her and she was jealous.  It's like, "sorry other voice, it's not my fault I'm funny, my dad made me funny.  So, take it up with him or go take your daddy issues somewhere else, ok?  I don't got time for this.  I've got all this gold I need to return to it's owners, ok?  Bye!"

She did not like being ignored, that's for sure, but I had finally figured her out.  I was just trying to figure out why she didn't like me.  It was a mystery of trying to understand what this voice was all about that accidently revealed the identity of Queen Dissentia as this little liar, which is how I discovered that the owner of the gold I found, was in fact mine!  It was like, ohh, she was the bad guy, not the truth.  Now I understand, I mined out my own gold, within myself!  Hooray, I figured it out!  I found the owner!

The gold I found was this idea that our minds worked like a Bee Hive and I was the queen.  I realized that she was an epic buzz kill trying to get in there on a tactical mission trying to take me out of my own mind!  She was this evil little bee sent to make me go crazy trying find the owner of this gold, knowing it was mine all along and I would be wandering around forever.  She was sent to get in there and Kill the Queen, so she take over my hive mind and collect all of my gold so she could rule my world.  I don't think so Bee!

The fact is, what I learned is we all have a Queen Dissentia in our minds meant to block us from our true self and do you know how she's stopped?

You don't kill her, because she'll send out a pherome that sends all her little cronies coming in there stinging the crap out of you.  No no, you gotta keep that Bee alive.

So, you treat her humanely.  You acknowledge her.  You recognize her power and then you forgive her, for all the lies she told you about yourself in the past.

It wasn't really her fault that she did this to you in the first place, she had an abusive father and she had some issues because of that.  You would too if you were the spawn of satan and who used his daughter as a pawn to faciliate his evil plan.  She's not purely evil, she has gold buried deep within, too. 

Everybody does.

She just wants a little love.  That Bee needs to heal, so let her have some power from time to time, like when you let a 5 year old beat you at basketball.  Just keep her in check so she doesn't sting you, until we can figure out how to break the attachment she has with her evil dad. 

 

It might take some strategic planning and coordination of the entire hive to execute a hostage situation quite as dangerous as this one...to be continued.



 

 

 

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categories : Existential Musings

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